It was not as hard as I thought it would be. I didn’t even cry. It probably helped that Libby liked getting her hair shaved. When the razor would stop she would beg for more.
I’ve contemplated why this hair loss bothers me so much. There are many reasons, actually. And I know most people would feel the same way. They’ve told me so. It’s not most people’s idea of fun. Shaving your baby’s hair off. But I’ve had time to come to grips with some of the reasons I didn’t want her to lose her hair. I think many of the reasons are justified. And I feel better about a lot of them. And I’m sure I’ll continue to be sad about some of them. But there is one still gnawing at me. One I’m continuing to grapple with. It’s the fact that I tend to worry about what other people think. I’m worried about what people will think when they see Libby. When they see our family. I don’t know what I would want them to think, exactly. But I know I don’t want people to feel sorry for her. I don’t want people to pity us. I want for them to treat us, and treat Libby, like they would anyone else. And obviously, I want them to adore her. Like we do.
God did some real work in me when Libby was born. I’m talking about helping me redefine some core beliefs. Most of which, I had let this backwards world define for me. I had some serious misconceptions. Specifically, about what I thought it meant for me (and anyone, truthfully) to be a person who people value. To be a person who people esteem. Maybe even a person who people love. And as much work as He’s done in me, the pull of this world is strong. God is not through crushing this idol of mine-this tendency towards the ideals of this world and the people in it. Nope. I know He’ll be working on this one for the rest of my life.
I suspect I’ll still feel a twinge of annoyance when we get a funny look when we’re out. And I’ll try to remember God is revealing what is real. That He values me. That He values Libby. That He loves us more than we can fathom. He’ll continue to chip away at my need for approval from others. He’ll continue to chip away at my self. To hopefully, one day, reveal more of Himself. The only beauty any of us really has.