This Christmas Eve I found myself in a familiar scenario. The presents were wrapped. The halls were decked. Family was visited. Fun was being had. And still, given the slightest opportunity, I found myself plagued by worry. Fear. My flesh is strong. And I am so very weak. Feeling attacked. We prayed. Well, Hib prayed. I cried. Angry at myself. And the fear slowly faded. And ever since He's been flooding my mind with His miracles. And I know what He's doing.
You see, I think some of my fear has to do with His revelation to me over the past several years. The revelation that to know Him well, I have to desire Him. Enjoy Him. And there's a strong correlation between my desire for Him and my pain. For me, when I'm broken. I lean in. Obviously, He knows this. He knows these are the times when I'll trade amazing nights with the best of friends for staying home with Him. He knows these are the times when the things of this world fade into the background and He becomes more near. And so I fear. Because I do want to know Him more. I tell Him this. And I'm afraid of what He'll do next.
But what I'm realizing, now. The brokenness. The Pain and heartache. Though they were invaluable. He wasn't teaching me that I had to hurt to know Him. (There's truth there, but it's not the end of the story) He just took full advantage of the opportunity He had when He knew I'd be ready. When He knew I'd crave more of Him. And He eagerly offered Himself. He revealed Himself. I was getting to know Him. Each time, another facet of Him.
He's reminding me of who He is.
For days, all through Christmas as He would have it, I've been fixated on His miracles. The big ones. You know, like Him sending His Son and all. But not just those. Like Him, there's more.
The unraveling of my life's circumstances started about five years ago. There have been countless challenges. There have been countless more miracles.
In the last five years, I've witnessed God rescue us from financial despair. And not through any effort of our own. And believe me, we tried. No, I've watched God do it in ways only He could do. The selling of the house at the perfect time. The house available to rent at the exact same time. The check in the mail-an unexpected gift. Medical bills-covered.
I've watched Him provide for us. Over. And over. And over again. The family business that not only stayed afloat, but flourished. The leave from work I shouldn't have been able to take. The vacations we somehow still take. It doesn't make any sense.
I've felt Him comfort us. Hours after words anyone would pray they never hear come out of doctors' mouths. Comfort. Peace. Only He can do that.
I've been lucky enough to see Him heal first hand. Not just physical healing. Those would've been spectacular enough. But I'm in the process of being blown away as He heals hearts. Mine included. Come on, seriously. Only He can do that.
Yes, this season I'm concentrating on miracles. I'm setting my sights on who He is. And I know I've just scratched the surface of this Father who desires us. Who wants us to know Him. Who loves us fiercely.
I'm heading into the New Year continuing to pray (and live) with a little less trepidation. Because although the tough times are inevitable. Our God's goodness is undeniable. We are blessed.
Happy New Year!!!