What God Does

I’ve been a little down the past few weeks. Not all the time. But there is this sadness that seems to creep in, unexpectedly, and gnaw at me. I can’t pinpoint it to one thing, exactly.  I wrote a couple of days ago about my heart aching for Libby. I think that’s part of it.  I’ve had some loved ones dealing with some suffering in their lives and I hurt for them. I’ve also been feeling overwhelmed. I feel guilty. Like I’m not doing enough as a mom, as a wife, as anything. I feel helpless. Most of my days feel unproductive. I’m not a person who tends to wallow in self-pity. But I’ve been wallowing a bit. I know God doesn’t see things the way I do. I know He doesn’t see me the way I see myself. And I’ve prayed for God to help me. Not for Him to change my situation or my circumstances. But to help me with my attitude, my outlook, whatever you want to call it. And He did. 

First, I had the most vivid dream of Libby walking. It was crazy. I know not all dreams have literal interpretations. But I’m choosing to believe this one was from Him. Whispering to me that Libby will walk. He will help me as I work with her, He will guide me with what I need to do. And in His perfect time, she will walk.

Next, I received two incredibly kind and encouraging emails. Now mind you, I am beyond blessed to have the family and friends that I do. I am humbled by the way I’ve been inundated with loving and inspiring blog comments, notes, emails, and phone calls over the past several months. I am forever thankful for every single one of them. You all need to know God speaks to me through each and every one of you. These emails came at just the right time. These dear friends could never have known how I needed to hear their perfect words. But He knew.

Then, my sister and brother-in-law called from their vacation in Mexico. It’s a trip the four of us have taken together for the past three years, and we treasure it. This year Hib and I would have to miss it, obviously.  There would be no way we could have ever planned it with Libby’s treatments.

Interestingly enough, we could have never known, this would have been a perfect time to take a trip since Libby is well and in between treatment phases. The phone call. Are you ready for this?  My sister and brother-in-law were gifted a free room when they arrived at their resort. A free room, I tell you, no kidding. Long story kinda short, thanks to the four most amazing grandparents in the world, fabulous surrogate Grandparents Becky and Randy, our precious invaluable friends Karen and Tara (does it take a village, or what?), and most importantly the fact that Libby is so well and in a holding pattern until we begin “delayed intensification” in a couple of weeks, we are on our way to Mexico!!  Friends, this should not be happening. This is a gift. One I am so thankful for. One I would have never even dreamed for myself. But this is what He does. He dreams much bigger for me than I do for myself. 

There’s more. How He proved this week He is also providing for us in other ways. Glaring proof. We’ve had beloved family members give to us in ways I can’t begin to describe. Tears stream down my face as I type. They give the way I want to give. They give the way He gives. Generously. When I don’t deserve it. They give. They give because they love.

And so we ask for your prayers. I don’t know if it’s become clear, yet, but I’m a planner. This jetting off to Mexico at two days notice is not exactly my style. We’re scrambling to pull the logistics of childcare together, gather everything we’ll all need, and pack. We don’t even have sunscreen.  I’ll be sporting my old stretched out maternity swimsuit (Yes, unfortunately it probably fits just fine. And yes, I’ll be drinking a margarita in it this go-round.) I feel a little uneasy, a little disorganized, and a little scared. But I also feel giddy. Like a child who just received a gift from her Father.  A gift she didn’t deserve. But a gift He wanted to give, because He loves her so much.