What I'm Learning From My Three-Year-Old

Libby is in school. Five days a week. Just half days. But still. It was so hard to let her go. Because last year she was home with me. Every day. All day. Actually, both of my precious babies were with me. Sure, we had doctor appointments and therapy appointments. But we had a lot of free time, too. We slept in. We did a lot of playing. We got to make our own schedule.

So, how is the transition going? Well, no surprise here. Libby is doing beautifully. And I, on the other hand, am not handling things all that well. And that's one heck of an understatement. Just ask my husband. He's contemplating getting me professional help. Because I've flat out told him I need it. :)

Yeah, my three- year-old puts me to shame. She wakes up everyday eager to start her day. I barely have breakfast on the table before she's telling me it's time to go to school. (She does seem to have inherited my impatience) She loves school. She adores her new friends. She works so hard. She's learning so much. Some days she makes mistakes. Her progress reports have come home with the occasional frowny face. But Libby always has a smile on hers.  She's excited to get home. She's always up for what's next.

Libby, how was your day? Was it awesome?

    Awesome, mama.

Did you behave today, and listen well?
   
    Okay.

(Sure ya did)

And here's the thing. Libby has a lot going on. She hasn't been completely well since before school started. Nearly two months ago. She's had these nagging ailments we just can't seem to clear up. She's been nauseas in the mornings. Her port is messed up. Again. She has surgery and chemo this Friday. We've had a slew of doctor's appointments,  a new chaotic schedule, BUT she's perfectly fine.

I know some of it's just her personality. And I'm so thankful for her sweet disposition. Yet, I can't help but think a big part of it is that Libby rests in the fact that she is so utterly loved. Wholeheartedly taken care of. She trusts in this love. I don't pride myself on much these days. But, oh, how I love this little girl. You should've seen me on the first day of school. I counted down the minutes until I could go get her. I was in the carpool line 40 minutes early to pick her up. And her carpool line has three cars in it. I'm not kidding, literally, three cars. I couldn't wait to get her home. To love on her. To hold her. Talk to her. Take care of her. It's just what I yearn to do.

At the same time, I've been really struggling. I don't typically wake up eager to start my day. Mostly, I wake up thinking about all I have to accomplish. I stress about it. Then, somehow I decide the best way to deal with it is to complain about it. I worry about Libby's health and her development. I'm afraid I'm not spending nearly enough time with my little Annie. And I realize...I don't trust.  I don't trust there is One who loves me the way I love Libby. One who just wants to hold me. Talk to me. Take care of me. One who yearns for me.

Is this how you feel about me, Father? Do you really love me this much?

    I love you much, much more.

My inability to grasp His love for me is the root of all my anxieties. My complaining. My worries and fears. Like it or not, I'm where I am for a reason. He's orchestrated these circumstances for me. The perfect marriage. The perfect children. The perfect job. All of it. They're avenues for intimacy with Him. I may not understand it all. I may not like it all. I can complain all day long. But I guess He knows eventually I tire. My hands unclench a little. And I let Him reveal a little more of Himself to me. Me with my frowny faces and all. His is an unfathomable love.

Carillon Beach

Our second beach trip of the summer-how lucky are we!?!? This trip had double the kids. And you know what that means...double the fun!!! :)  I'll spare you some of the chaos. Like our scary trip to Ripley's Believe It Or Not on a rainy morning...with Walker asking us all, What are we doing here, guys??? I'm a little scared. And Annie pointing at three headed goats, saying, Oooohhhh.
And our night out with the kids at Red Bar (it's a restaurant not just a bar, although by the end of that dinner I could have bellied up to the latter for a few hours).


I brought my camera, but I could never manage to carry it with all the other stuff we had to transport to and from the beach and pool. So, there was really no point in my bringing it. I literally took zero beach pics. But I did manage to snap the occasional picture with my phone. Here are a few, with some trip highlights...

 Little girls laughing hysterically at the end of a six hour trip, hours past bed time. 

Dancing on the back porch. 

Learning how to swim.

Spending time with our best friends.

Soaking in the sun. 

Staying at the pool past dinner time.

Discovering everything new.

Eating with no regard.

(I used cute Libby for this pic, not any of the adults I'm really referring to)

We witnessed the most amazing rainbows on the way to and from the beach. Of course, I wasn't able to capture them with my camera buried beneath the unbelievable amount of luggage we had. But I can picture them. I felt like God was winking at us. Enjoy your trip, let me bless you. And we did. And He did. We've had an amazing summer.  Thank you, God!!!

Hilton Head

It's been way too long! The maintenance phase of Libby's treatment has proven to be exactly what the doctors told us it would be. Downright easy. Comparatively speaking. Thank you, God! She has a minor surgery this Friday to replace her port. She'll also receive her IT and IV chemo. She receives this particular chemo only once every three months, now.  That's nothing for us. :)

I was speaking with a dear friend last night about the drastically different place we found ourselves in this time a year ago. We talked about anticipations. Looking ahead to the future. Expectations. And how God calls us to be in this moment. The one happening right now. Fully dependent on Him. Living in His presence. That's the way He designed us. When we look ahead we can't (or don't) see Him with us. Providing for us. Taking care of us. We only see the obstacles. And the fear and anxieties mount. Looking back, I swear it's crystal clear. He is all over it. Everything. Every. Single. Tiny. Step. I pray I can take what He's teaching me. This trust He's instilling in me. And transfer it. Easier said than done. I am so thankful for all He is doing. All of it. I don't always show it. :) But I am. 

With that said, let me share with you a little bit! A year ago, we were in the hospital just getting Libby's leukemia diagnosis. A summer in the hospital with one little one. And another little one at home. This year, we're making up for lost time. Summer vacations and all.

Johnson Family Vacation

Hilton Head

Libby LOVED the ocean. Everything about it.  One of my favorite parts of our entire trip was when we put her down the first day, she crawled immediately to the ocean, leaned over and took a huge gulp of the salty water. Hib and I cringed. She swallowed, gave us a huge smile and said, Mmmmmm. Like it was the best thing she had ever tasted.

Annie was a little more hesitant. She spent her first day clinging to us like a little spider monkey. And preferred time on her beach blanket. Or in Gigi's arms. Just taking it all in. 

But by day two, with A LOT of Daddy's persuading, she came around. 

The weather was perfect. The girls played hard. Slept hard. And went back for more. 

We got to see family we don't get to see nearly enough. And the girls loved being with everyone. So did Hib and I. Aunt Tara was a HUGE hit. 

We weren't without some classic vacation moments. Like when Hib couldn't get the girls' little tent to fold back up. After 10 minutes of trying and sweating profusely, he gave up and tried to carry it back unfolded to the best of his ability. About 50 yards from the beach he gave up and promptly threw it in some bushes. ( I went back to get it later)

 In general, the trips to the beach with two toddlers were always eventful. Like two little tigers pent up in a cage. Bites and all. We were a traveling circus act.

These girls are growing up. Right before our eyes. How can we not try to live right smack in the middle of these precious moments?

Hib made the comment on the car ride home that the trip was really fun. Better than he expected. I wholeheartedly agreed with him. Then, I looked back and saw Libby eating a piece of bacon. Bacon I had given her on the trip TO Hilton Head. Four days prior.  I told him she was eating a four-day-old piece of bacon. And he told me it was okay. That's the thing about expectations.  There's freedom in letting them go. And you'll have much more fun along the way.

Hope everyone is having a fantastic summer! Love y'all!!!

Treatment Update

Libby has her monthly clinic visit tomorrow. This month, it doesn't consist of much-just blood counts and her IVIG treatment. However, we have had one minor hiccup. Did I tell y'all this already? Her port has shifted from its correct position. And they have to try to shift it back. Apparently, it's not that big of a deal. But she does have to be sedated for the procedure. They called me today and told me they wanted to do this tomorrow.  So, we'll be at the hospital early tomorrow for sedation, and then hopefully will still have enough time to get through her clinic treatment.

Okay, two hiccups. We also had to take Libby to the ER last night for croup. Thankfully, she and Hib were in and out after a quick steroid treatment. We're praying the croup stays away tonight, and that it doesn't deter all the doctors are hoping to get accomplished tomorrow. We'll see. 

Please continue to pray for us.  So many of you labor in prayer for us. Thank you!!